Michael thinks about his section leader, Helen
Down the hall, Michael heard shouts and excited laughter. Music throbbed through the walls. One of the guys on the hall had a stereo so powerful that when he played it full blast, every wall on the floor vibrated, even all the way at the other end in Michael's room. Michael resented the noise because it made it difficult to study, but he didn't want it to sleep. He just wanted to be able to enjoy it like everyone else did. He would never call the night proctor and complain.
More laughter erupted. Doors slammed open. The music stopped. The noise of people increased for a moment, then started to move away. A minute later, all was quiet. Michael wondered why they had suddenly left.
Curious, he left his room and walked down the hall. He saw the wreckage left behind: bottles, cans and plastic cups of red, pink and green liquid lined against the wall. All the doors were shut. Michael
wandered out of the hall into the space between his floor and the next, a space next to the stairwell open to the night air. He stopped when he saw a couple embracing in the shadows. Michael watched for a moment, seeing that it was Amy. He realized what he was doing and fled back in the hall.
When he returned to his room, Michael sniffed the air and decided that the room was too warm. He slid the window open and felt the outside air instantly, misty cold. Michael's room was on the side of the dorm facing the forest, away from the rest of the university.
Michael looked deep into the woods, at branches, needles and trunks going back until they merged into one indistinguishable mass of dark rumpled shapes. The trees grew close to one another, and clawed desperately towards the sky to gain the sunlight they need to nourish themselves. Michael looked down at the trees' offspring, tiny saplings which had little chance to become mature trees because their parents blocked the light and rain.
Leaning over the window sill, he stared down at the hard, grey pavement five stories below-surely a fatal fall. He wanted to meet someone, someone beautiful, attractive and accepted, someone who had better things to do than stand alone in a dorm room and study the trees. He had watched Amy Mulligan earlier in the year, and as much as he could, learned about her life-the music and movies she liked, the people who were her close friends and the ones she just hung out with, the classes she took.
But beyond what he heard on her stereo, the things she put up on her door, and the things he overheard while he walked by, it was hard to learn much and doing it made Michael feel even worse. People who were accepted didn't skulk around the hall, trying to overhear conversations and peeping in rooms. It was just that Amy seemed so cool, so fun to be with. Michael had thought of her as the most attractive girl he had seen at UCSZ, until the start of winter quarter.
Comparative literature was one of the majors he was considering, along with philosophy and classics. So Michael had decided to take Intro to American Lit. During the second lecture of the class, he had to choose which section he would be in. The professor wrote the TAs' names on the board. He chose Helen Zachary's because he liked the sound of her name, especially the 'Z' which the professor had written in big, bold strokes on the chalkboard, so that the rest of her name and the other section leaders' appeared to be a mass of indistinct squiggles around the three slashes.
His first section with Helen was on Friday of that week. To his surprise, Helen Zachary did not, like most of his TAs at UCSZ, seem much older than he was, and she wasn't: as she said during their first section, she was only a junior and still remembered what it was like to be taking lower division classes.
From that point, Helen had replaced Amy as the girl Michael dreamed that he would be with someday. She was intelligent, beautiful and sophisticated, and she had a sense of humor. Michael wanted to make Helen know about him; just talk to her. Although he loved her, he couldn't imagine asking her out on a date, or kissing her. He just wanted her to let him into her world so he could know what it was like.
Michael shivered. He slid the window to just a crack and went to lie on his bed. A glance at his digital clock showed that it was 12:01. His roommate, Andy, was still gone and might not be back all night. Andy was very involved with the dorm's social life, and even had a girlfriend, which was where Michael assumed he spent most of his nights. Michael couldn't imagine that kind of freedom-not having to study, being able to sleep with someone, partying all the time, no responsibilities. This was the only time of life one could live like that, and he was missing it.
Thinking about Andy being able to spend every night with his girlfriend aroused Michael. He thought about Helen. He reached into his underwear and felt his erection. He breathed deeply and withdrew his hand. He just wanted to sleep and forget.
More laughter erupted. Doors slammed open. The music stopped. The noise of people increased for a moment, then started to move away. A minute later, all was quiet. Michael wondered why they had suddenly left.
Curious, he left his room and walked down the hall. He saw the wreckage left behind: bottles, cans and plastic cups of red, pink and green liquid lined against the wall. All the doors were shut. Michael
wandered out of the hall into the space between his floor and the next, a space next to the stairwell open to the night air. He stopped when he saw a couple embracing in the shadows. Michael watched for a moment, seeing that it was Amy. He realized what he was doing and fled back in the hall.
When he returned to his room, Michael sniffed the air and decided that the room was too warm. He slid the window open and felt the outside air instantly, misty cold. Michael's room was on the side of the dorm facing the forest, away from the rest of the university.
Michael looked deep into the woods, at branches, needles and trunks going back until they merged into one indistinguishable mass of dark rumpled shapes. The trees grew close to one another, and clawed desperately towards the sky to gain the sunlight they need to nourish themselves. Michael looked down at the trees' offspring, tiny saplings which had little chance to become mature trees because their parents blocked the light and rain.
Leaning over the window sill, he stared down at the hard, grey pavement five stories below-surely a fatal fall. He wanted to meet someone, someone beautiful, attractive and accepted, someone who had better things to do than stand alone in a dorm room and study the trees. He had watched Amy Mulligan earlier in the year, and as much as he could, learned about her life-the music and movies she liked, the people who were her close friends and the ones she just hung out with, the classes she took.
But beyond what he heard on her stereo, the things she put up on her door, and the things he overheard while he walked by, it was hard to learn much and doing it made Michael feel even worse. People who were accepted didn't skulk around the hall, trying to overhear conversations and peeping in rooms. It was just that Amy seemed so cool, so fun to be with. Michael had thought of her as the most attractive girl he had seen at UCSZ, until the start of winter quarter.
Comparative literature was one of the majors he was considering, along with philosophy and classics. So Michael had decided to take Intro to American Lit. During the second lecture of the class, he had to choose which section he would be in. The professor wrote the TAs' names on the board. He chose Helen Zachary's because he liked the sound of her name, especially the 'Z' which the professor had written in big, bold strokes on the chalkboard, so that the rest of her name and the other section leaders' appeared to be a mass of indistinct squiggles around the three slashes.
His first section with Helen was on Friday of that week. To his surprise, Helen Zachary did not, like most of his TAs at UCSZ, seem much older than he was, and she wasn't: as she said during their first section, she was only a junior and still remembered what it was like to be taking lower division classes.
From that point, Helen had replaced Amy as the girl Michael dreamed that he would be with someday. She was intelligent, beautiful and sophisticated, and she had a sense of humor. Michael wanted to make Helen know about him; just talk to her. Although he loved her, he couldn't imagine asking her out on a date, or kissing her. He just wanted her to let him into her world so he could know what it was like.
Michael shivered. He slid the window to just a crack and went to lie on his bed. A glance at his digital clock showed that it was 12:01. His roommate, Andy, was still gone and might not be back all night. Andy was very involved with the dorm's social life, and even had a girlfriend, which was where Michael assumed he spent most of his nights. Michael couldn't imagine that kind of freedom-not having to study, being able to sleep with someone, partying all the time, no responsibilities. This was the only time of life one could live like that, and he was missing it.
Thinking about Andy being able to spend every night with his girlfriend aroused Michael. He thought about Helen. He reached into his underwear and felt his erection. He breathed deeply and withdrew his hand. He just wanted to sleep and forget.
Works
Recent Writing
- 1989 A Novel: Tim and April walk to the liquor store
- Volume III: Helen meets Roxy for coffee at the Fremont College coffee shop
- Volume III: Tim walks back from Contemporary American Fiction
- Volume III: Helen conducts section, can’t prevent Michael from being dissed
- Volume III: Helen conducts section (HSZ version)