Helen sees a guy who reminds her of Todd
Helen sees a V-day poster and wishes she had hung out with Tim the night before, doing something fun and interesting. Remembers Valentines’ Day with him the year before, one of her favorite moments of her friendship with Tim.
As Helen passed Natural Sciences, a huge yawn split her face and nearly made her collide with a pack of giggling fresh-people. She had not gotten nearly enough sleep the night before. This walk, which she had done a thousand times before, was just not stimulating enough to keep her awake.
When Helen had first come to UCSZ, she had loved the long paths through the woods, meandering through the towering redwoods, crossing each other at random, making it seem more like a nature park or Disneyland than a university. Sometimes it had been more fun to walk, drunk and stoned, to other colleges for mythical three-keg ragers, through the mists and the endless drip drip drip of the mosses, the smells of moist growing, brief glimpses of dark yellow from a banana slug, the UC Santa Zita mascot, than actually going to the parties themselves. Now it just seemed tiresome, like someone had intentionally inflicted it on her just to waste her time, to make even the simple act of getting from one obligation to another a massive chore. Someone had told her the government had designed UC Santa Zita this way, to make it hard for students to gather in one place and protest. She believed it.
The path finished its meandering and Helen stepped onto the second bridge of her journey. Something caught her eye, and for a moment she thought she saw Todd. It wasn't him, though, just another six-foot guy with short black hair. This was wasn't as good-looking as Todd, though.
Helen was dreading the possibility of running into Todd, either on campus or worse, at some party. They still had enough mutual friends that it was likely she would see him at some point. Their groups were pretty separate, but there were connections. Torrance, for one.
The prospect of running into Todd randomly was sufficiently stressful that Helen wondered if she should pre-emptively hang out with him, just to get it out of the way. Maybe they could go get coffee at Cafe Nightingale. That might be okay. They could just talk and clear the air. Helen saw them in her mind, at a table in one of the back rooms, where no one was likely to see them. He was telling her that he was wrong to make her go through what she did alone. He should have gone with her, he wished with all his heart he had. He just hadn't been ready to deal with the reality of the situation. But he knew there could be no forgiveness for what he had done. He told her what she wanted to hear, and she felt herself forgiving him. They walked out of Cafe Nightingale and he offered to walk her home. When they got there, both Gretchen and Jessica were gone.
Realizing that her thoughts of Todd were starting to turn into a fantasy of them getting back together was almost enough to make Helen hurl herself off the bridge. Todd was like some awful venereal disease, which you could treat but never actually cure, like herpes. She could cover him up in her brain, but he was always there lurking under the surface.
Helen had no idea what it would be like if she saw Todd. It was going to happen, she knew. UC Santa Zita was sufficiently spread out that, unless it was freshmen year and you were all living in one dorm, you weren't going to see people every day, but you would run into them eventually. She hoped, no, she resolved, that it would be adult encounter, that they would both be mature, civil, but not friendly.
Or she could just kill him. That might be better. There was a finality about it that pleased Helen. When you got right down to it, Todd just didn't deserve to live. If they listened to her story, no court could possibly convict her. Helen smiled to herself. The only question was how, and when. She stared down through a hole in the bridge's paneling; a brief reminder that were not on safe pavement, but actually a hundred feet above the floor of the little ravine. Drifting up, she heard the chatter of some students on bikes, debating whether they should continue up the ravine, or up the hillside.
As Helen passed Natural Sciences, a huge yawn split her face and nearly made her collide with a pack of giggling fresh-people. She had not gotten nearly enough sleep the night before. This walk, which she had done a thousand times before, was just not stimulating enough to keep her awake.
When Helen had first come to UCSZ, she had loved the long paths through the woods, meandering through the towering redwoods, crossing each other at random, making it seem more like a nature park or Disneyland than a university. Sometimes it had been more fun to walk, drunk and stoned, to other colleges for mythical three-keg ragers, through the mists and the endless drip drip drip of the mosses, the smells of moist growing, brief glimpses of dark yellow from a banana slug, the UC Santa Zita mascot, than actually going to the parties themselves. Now it just seemed tiresome, like someone had intentionally inflicted it on her just to waste her time, to make even the simple act of getting from one obligation to another a massive chore. Someone had told her the government had designed UC Santa Zita this way, to make it hard for students to gather in one place and protest. She believed it.
The path finished its meandering and Helen stepped onto the second bridge of her journey. Something caught her eye, and for a moment she thought she saw Todd. It wasn't him, though, just another six-foot guy with short black hair. This was wasn't as good-looking as Todd, though.
Helen was dreading the possibility of running into Todd, either on campus or worse, at some party. They still had enough mutual friends that it was likely she would see him at some point. Their groups were pretty separate, but there were connections. Torrance, for one.
The prospect of running into Todd randomly was sufficiently stressful that Helen wondered if she should pre-emptively hang out with him, just to get it out of the way. Maybe they could go get coffee at Cafe Nightingale. That might be okay. They could just talk and clear the air. Helen saw them in her mind, at a table in one of the back rooms, where no one was likely to see them. He was telling her that he was wrong to make her go through what she did alone. He should have gone with her, he wished with all his heart he had. He just hadn't been ready to deal with the reality of the situation. But he knew there could be no forgiveness for what he had done. He told her what she wanted to hear, and she felt herself forgiving him. They walked out of Cafe Nightingale and he offered to walk her home. When they got there, both Gretchen and Jessica were gone.
Realizing that her thoughts of Todd were starting to turn into a fantasy of them getting back together was almost enough to make Helen hurl herself off the bridge. Todd was like some awful venereal disease, which you could treat but never actually cure, like herpes. She could cover him up in her brain, but he was always there lurking under the surface.
Helen had no idea what it would be like if she saw Todd. It was going to happen, she knew. UC Santa Zita was sufficiently spread out that, unless it was freshmen year and you were all living in one dorm, you weren't going to see people every day, but you would run into them eventually. She hoped, no, she resolved, that it would be adult encounter, that they would both be mature, civil, but not friendly.
Or she could just kill him. That might be better. There was a finality about it that pleased Helen. When you got right down to it, Todd just didn't deserve to live. If they listened to her story, no court could possibly convict her. Helen smiled to herself. The only question was how, and when. She stared down through a hole in the bridge's paneling; a brief reminder that were not on safe pavement, but actually a hundred feet above the floor of the little ravine. Drifting up, she heard the chatter of some students on bikes, debating whether they should continue up the ravine, or up the hillside.
Works
Recent Writing
- 1989 A Novel: Tim and April walk to the liquor store
- Volume III: Helen meets Roxy for coffee at the Fremont College coffee shop
- Volume III: Tim walks back from Contemporary American Fiction
- Volume III: Helen conducts section, can’t prevent Michael from being dissed
- Volume III: Helen conducts section (HSZ version)